confused and sorry!

I dont know why i did what i did...trying to help one loved one led to a conflict of interest with another one...and also made me feel very guilty...it is not difficult to sway in favor of your special ones but it shud not come at a cost of ethics...and that is where i think i did wrong...i shud not have tried helping M at the cost of spoiling my consious...and i feel guilty...she did not force me into it...nor was their any compulsion...but i still took a decision to do it...i guess while i was doing it i did not realise that it would not end up right...may b that is why it is said the means are as imp as the end! anyway...it was wrong and sooner or later i shud owe up...for myself rather than smthg else...

Spoke to V after ages i think...infact i usually talk to her every alternate day...but may i m not spedning the amount of time and energy that i was...will not blame anyone for this...again a decision- if it was...taken by me and i m only responsible...but i think with V...pehel is the bond...and i refuse to believe that it can be hampered....i pray it wonT! :)

Today is Abhi's bday...and he turns 4+ i think...spoke such cute english that i was bowled over...truly remarkable to see children taking control of an alien lang so easily...i remember him on his first bday...tightly tucked in vidya's lap...she running from one end to other meeting with guests...taking gifts...serving dinner...she is fab :) and will always be...regret the time i fought with her...not realising she wud be gone...and it will be such a long time when i will see her...i miss her.........
so yes today is my day to say sorry...internally..and feel what i did was right or wrng...and yes i believe....i was wrong...to make a loved one smile at any cost...shud not be my aim...from next time...!
!!!

ashamed and puzzled...

Today when I was walking towards my bus...I realised that my usual seat was taken...I am nt a great fan of surprises...I do not know the right expression...and usually end up confusing the person who decided to do the honors...love throwin surprises to others...but that is another day another thought..anyway coming back to my seat...and the surprise...or rather a break...
Seeing an old couple on my seat.. brought my uneasiness down...i decided to not go back but sit right in front of them...the aunty...in a cotton white starched with a red border...2 bangles...1 ring on each hand...a very serene face...some white hair...mostly black...a thin gold chain...red bindi...uncle on the other hand...blue pants...check shirt...again a very peaceful deameanor...on a frightfully hot morning...
do not know why this memory got stored in my head...this old couple like a lot of old couples take out bus...to get down at RML hospital...for monthly check ups...for new tests...etc...each time a couple sittin all alone..with a cloth bag in hand...some money...some fruits may be...a bottle of water...no mobile phones...no sons and daughters...no family...nothin at all...just the 2 of them...hand in hand...holding each other...sleeping on each other's shoulders...helping each other to get down...and disappear...in the crowds...nameless faces...but still such a strong recall...~
Today is the Queen's birthday...in a different country...a different culture...the similiarity...only the age...an old lady..celebrates her birthday...with the country...her family rejoicing with her...and we...who have nothing to do with her...smile...and feel delighted! ofcourse for some of us a holiday cud be the reason..!
How many of us remember the last time we sat down and chatted with our moms...dads..grandpa...grandmom? Why is that no longer on our list of 'to-do"? How come the generation gap suddenly become the reason for everything...or is less time your reason? How as children do we allow our parents to age out so much before they want to? Looking at these old couples in buses/autos...i am surprised..or shud i say i shudder...to think of times when i have to do this...to my parents...or my mother in law for that matter...wud it be that tough to take out time for my people...to travel with them when they need to see a doc...or when they want to visit a dying relative...or may be when they just want to sit out in the lawns and see the sunset...wud it be that diffcult?
How do we just drift away? And not realise that old age needs the same love and care that was bestowed when a kid is born..how do we just part ways n blame others...for our loved ones? How do we not include them in our lives when we ourselves lived coz of them...
The next time I see an old couple...I will shed these tears again... n pray that god gives me the strength..!

a week!

this week was good! it started on a rather dismal note though...with a failed cake :( stil do not know what went wrong...but yes a good effort gone down the drain..well not drain...but down the stomache...!

had planned for a movie courtesy the '3 mad' group...since it was a planned break..it really had to planned on a day when the world is not looking...to us or for us! we decided to give monday a break since there was too much work...but thankfully the plan did not go off...it just got postponed to wednesday...and indeed we did have a sneaky day ::) a fun movie...and a desire to come back again! but heyllo...did i forgot to mention about the tuesday madness...and our weekly shoppin :) :) this time it was a really cute gada of hanumanji that we got as our weekly bonanza...and wearing it felt special...and divine...closer to god...and closer to each other...may be it is god's indications...of just blessing us...together :) and thank god for that!
M wanted a new message for Friday :) and P and me decided to get her not 1 but three... they suit her so much that we may end up buyin a lot more :) lets see what is the msg that comes to us for next week!

for now...election results and the debacle :(

my first idlis and hopefully a cake!

Sunday mornings are to laze around...but then who decides that :) not me! coz mom asked to cook idlies...right at 820 am...when i had slept so late in the night :( thankfully it was mother's day so cud not refuse her!

idlies look fine :) infact they tasted great...now hoping that the cake does justice as well :) if not...i will be :(
happy mom's day !!!

the mixed bag of saturday!

today was an early start...and it was worth the effort...sweating out in the gym is not my ideal weekend morning but alas...not much can be done once your parents want something...and may be somewhere i think i m ok doin this for them...have always done things for pleasure..for others pleasure...and looks like most of the life wud be like that! :) anyway to cut a small story even shorter...it was a sweaty morning...but a happy one !
massi had come home for lunch...with ginni n bunny...and looking at them...i felt sad...very sad...n may be afraid...or helpless...and angry...for being in a society which does not let the woman have a say ...or decide...or live...end of the day u need to suffer for one role or the other...only because she decides to keep quiet...or seek help...coz the society does not have ans...but have the ability to ask questions...n in a way...we all are a part of this society...so really cannot blame it!

i m afraid to be a part of this society...and very scared that i may intentionally or unintentionally be asking questions to someone...who has no answers...!

...

there is a time when you just need to hug a person...and hope that the storms pass away... but alas these times r few and uncertain..and come unannounced...leavin some hearts bitter...some souls perturbed....and some eyes moist... just one of those days when i am upset that god is troubling...and unnecessarily...when he can just make it all hunky dory! god...you listening?

pappu voted today!

today is the day of celebration! the day which is special...not coz it is Sally's birthday...but coz it is the celebration of my being a citizen of this country! the day when i can decide what i want and what i desire from the government...the day i decide to vote :) the day i decide for my future...or at least take one step in this direction!

it is peaceful and dull in the office today...and very calm...strangely everyone is workin...but given an opportunity...they would love the break :) : ) the roads are all empty today...the traffic non existent...the moods sombre...may be it is just a relaxed day...may be it should be an off today...but glad it is not..since otherwise no one would have come out to vote...so it is good in a way that we all were pushed to come out...and exercise our rights!
a good day...a worthy day!

Tuesday pinks :)

Tuesdays are always fun! They remind me of school times when we used to have one day allocated for madness...and when...rules were meant to be broken...that is how our tuesdays now are...the trio! madness all around...each trip brings with it..some more memories...loads of blessings hopefully and colors...colors of life, bangles...chunnis...ghungru today! they make the trip worthy...in any case, we three do not need any reasons to feel happy...or together...or mad! it is just the moments that one wants...and sometimes one gets :) of being blissfully happy...elated...or just warmed...in the presence of god and friends...both absolutely essential for the sanity of oneself!
The c0lor of the day was pink...it was all over...and on M's desk too....the flowers looked serene and beautiful..and apt...coz they were to reflective!

Amen!!!

touch me not!

There are times when I have thought about something and felt strongly about it...but ended up not speaking about it...and certainly not pennin it...but in times like now...when each thought is special and worth remembering...it was important for my well being...to pen down my thoughts...for myself...may be it will help me evolve in smway!
for days now I have been thinking of writing on what is the meanin of the sense of "touch"...and how strongly it conveys feelings inner to your soul...how the sense of touch makes you blossom into a new person and how the sense of touch...can turn your worst dreams into reality...

to start with...a touch of a friend...be it a man or a woman is so different from the touch of any other human being...it speaks volumes without evoking any gender based feelings...it translates feelins so beautifully that smtimes words look imposing and very worthless b/w friends...

...a gentle pat on the shoulder ..an unexpected hug...small gestures but definitely effective...but smtimes...sm of these touches can b intimidating if they ur mind n soul r not welcoming them...not everyone who u befriend have access to ur soul...and therefore his/her touch can only be at a physical level...again smthg worth notin is that it might be in a physical nature yet can be purely spiritual :)

in today's times...we define relationships in a very vague manner...a man n a woman has to be in a relationship to gain accepability...two men or women cannot be in friends unless they individually have proven their sexuality to the world at large...the world who still have smthg to say in any case! in times like these...when two woman hug each other in a public place...and I am talking about a hug...which lasts for more than a min...smtimes evolving into a smiles n laughters and wispering random thoughts into each other's ears...what does the society define this as? or when i decide to share the same space/room/bed/time with a friend who fortunately is a female? and not male :) frankly does it matter...to me...nope! to others...always!!!

or when a man who u trust decides to hug u...even if he is your friend's best man or his brother...or gently twist ur knees to give you the right posture during your yoga session...again a sense of touch...different from a friend's touch...a man's touch...yet doesnt evoke any feeling beyond the touch...complex...yet so simple...!

the touch is a beautiful feeling..it translates fears...passion...love...trust...rebuff...resignation...desperation...hatred...everything to anything...to nothin! it is the connection that matters..the inner connect...it is what it deciphers the feelings..and says much more than one wants too!