dejected!

once upon a time i was happy...and smiling...and i thought the day would end on that note...and when smtimes...smone makes the day end...with tears and hurt...and when that smone is too close...to even shout or scream....or say anything...the day just ends...with a tear in eyes...and a prayer...that tomm is a better day!
amen!
christmas meant positivity...n happiness...and good spirits...and i intend to make it happen...for me...tomm!

on request!

:) i had started...but someone decided that i need to work..and...so this is pending again :( but soon! till then...my dear...keep smilin :) and sleep well!

lazy day!

it's a lazy day today...woke up at 930 and didnt feel like getting out of bed...the tiredness was catching up...and i think i need to start pushing myself again...its been too long since i sweated it out...missing it already :(
have had a good time at the party yday...but it still did not fit in to the christmas theme...the carols...the shed...the christmas tree...something was still missing...may be one of these days i will try and get the emsemble done in the office itself...wats christmas without carols and plum cake! not to forget rum cakes :) :)
tried pottery first time...and loved it...want to do this again...feels good to have created something...with help though...this is smthg that i will keep going back to...it felt nice :)
today will be only tv and work at home...nothing more nothin less...and lots of sleep if i can manage that :)
amen!!!

winter!

Finally! Delhi is now cold...the winter has come and strangely...i m loving it...always thought i was summery and full of light and sunshine :) but this year...the winter looks welcoming...may be there is a sense of warmth around...or is it the feelin of being in the arms of someone close...or may be it is lesser body fat :) which makes me look slightly better than last year...winters!

always associated winters with christmas...and i love the festival...coz it feels like being back in schools..singing x'mas carols...praying n havin x'mas cakes...nostalgic feeling...wud like to fulfil the long dream of spending the day with old...will plan somethin with office gang and they shud agree :) they always do!

had a good day today...productive...not in the truest sense...chatted with M and P after a long time...actually with M after ages...felt good..felt happy to see her talkin....and felt good talkin to her...n i hope she finds that someone who will give her that sense of comfort...n keep her warm...n happy!
amen!

amen!

today has been a good day...may be the winds are again blowin...felt good to have been out of the house...decided to just swim with the tide and not against it :)

pains n gains!

There is a strange calmness in the air today...may be the sudden chill...in the season and in mind! the winds of change are blowing...and tellin me smthg...don't want to hear or face them...
wnt to sleep now...

good thoughts!

finally managed to visit bangla sahib after what looks like a really long time! and as always it felt good :) had a lot of pushing around...teamin with loads of people...less parshad :( and hopefully many blessings! wanted to sit down and just absorb the air...inside and also outside...but the crowd left no place...wherever u go...there were so many others...but even then...it felt home :)

the shoe store looks so different in close proximity...was forced to go down to locate mom's slippers....and realised the hustle bustle the place has...everyone working in coordination with each other...no pushing...no crossing each other's turns...no shyin away...selfless souls...working as if it is their own homes...felt good again... and felt how selfish we all have become...even smtimes for ourselves!

lit candles for everyone close :) i m sure the blessings are comin in bounty and he will ensure to pass it on to everyone who desires... u just smtimes need to make it clear to him that u r also in queue :)

day has ended...and i feel good!

sunday...no work and no play!

today has been a relaxin day...though it started on a rather discerning note... had a restless night...may be due to aches that my body has been experiencing...or was it the mind that was not lettin me sleep...not sure...or was it the change of bed...kep tossing around through the night..had been talkin to P for hours...she had slept so cud not have bothered her...don't know why messaged M...may be I thought she wud have been awake and wud have chatted with her till sleep came...the sounds outside were quite vivid....smtimes they sounded like songs..sometimes it sounded like chants...decided to say a short prayer...asking for blessings...for all around...may be that is the time god wanted me to talk to him only :) don't remember when i slept...woke up at 415...still under the aches and restlessness...this has been goin on for few days now...
is it the realisation...or guilt..or happiness...or just being content...or oblivious to what all can be done...not sure...i m not liking this sudden stagnation that has come in my life...or the fact that i m bein just laid back....don't like the feeling of being happy n gay without struggling...or without a purpose...need to identify myself again...and decide...to either take up life again or just enjoy being normal..
have so many memories to share but may be words are not enough smtimes...had a great get together birthday party last sunday...with unknown people...and known friends :) dressed...ate...and did small talk...after a long time! it was a good time out...and specially when it was with people who i love...M looked nice...a little bit of plump which suited her....and her smiles were back :) and some of them did reach her eyes! Pehel was there too :) and she looked so cute...touch wood! she is growing up so soon and i m sure she will soon be going to school! time....how it flies....it was just sm days back when i first held her...a new born who decided for me to b around...she will always be my special angel..and no matter how V spoils her...i wil try to ensure that she is not too over spoilt!
Met Neha today...in the local market...and she still looks the same...she looked happy...and truly at peace...good for her...her hubby looked simple n non fussy as well...should try and cathc up with her sometime soon...
want to start smthg new in life again...to start thinking again...to start questionin again...and to start getting decisive again..life is turning out to be quite normal...and not on track...need to push myself...and my hurting butts too :(

had to!

there are days when i realise that i did do good...when i realise that not everything in this world can be measured by money...and days when i realise that i have people around me who love me...for reasons unknown :)
yday was one such day and it made me feel really special! i have had birthdays and birthday surprises...and friends...and cakes..and all of that...including gifts :) but..to be in the company of loved ones...who decide to make each minute special, is special! it made me realise i m lucky...touch wood!
receivin n giving gifts is smthg that i always do...irrespective of occassions...or no occassions...and it felt good to have received thoughtful...beautiful and random gifts! blessings from far n near...from known to unknown....from one to many!
people around me r special...n that is the reason i exist...blissfully...shamelessly...and modestly! and i am happy tht for me..i have my 5 people who i know wud be there for me...besides my family...who will keep my smiles going!

amen!

angry!

i m angry...i m confused and i am just lost...lost on time...lost on life and lost on what one shud do when one can! it is been such a drag lately that i think i need to be shaken...to be told in no sweet terms that i have failed...failed in my own eyes...failed to prove that i can do a good job...if i want to...but my problem is that i am not doin it...why is that i m gettin reminders..why am i being told when i know i have to...why is that i m not smilin at the end of any day...! questions for which i need to find ans...i cant sit back n say to hell with all...i need to get a grip on my life...and start doin what is right for me...and also...to start believin that i can do what i want to..and what people think i can!
i need to start living..and not existing! i need to be pushed...and i hope god gives me a good one...i hope!

amen!

sitting at home can be such a punishment...specially when one is not prepared! but then one is never prepared :) life is such :):)

sitting at home doing all household work always make me eat so much...n sleep so much :( that i wonder why i dont do this all the time...n just not seeing all those faces who are ur life...can smtimes make u rethink on what u want to do in life!

mom is in hospital today...and stayin home is not what i want...but till the time i am home...i wud try and make it worthwhile...and not disappoint myself or others :) after all mom are never irreplaceable...but one shud always try :)

!

There are days when you want to just sit and relax...with a cup of hot/cold coffee in hand...a book...a friend...not to forget a dog...even if not cute...will work :) smtimes...just smtimes...u need that one moment of being relaxed...of being no one but urself wit your favorite things/people...when relations do not matter...and when life looks beautiful...inspite all the hardships...

been too long since I have loved my life...or enjoyed that one moment with myself...or just done things which i always wanted to do...adopt a dog for instance. : ) each passin dog reminds me of a dog which i always wished..but cud not have...or a book which i always dreamt/desired to read bt cud not..or times which I shud/cud have broken free and didnt....and there are times which tell me that i m no good! hurted friends when i shud not have...talked abt things which cud have been avoided...reacted to instances when there was no need..or just been plain stupid!

i dont know what is confusing me now...is it the love that surrounds me...unconditional...or the people who push me into the comfort zone...by thinking abt me when i cud do that myself....why does the mind not think like the heart? and why does one just not accept love...as love...with no strings attached! why!

expectations!

i am not sure how much one should expect...or not expect from people around...there has been so much that happened in past few hours that I had to pen this down...coz I am hurt..and angry...and relieved! I dont like when people start taking me for granted or try show attitude when there is no need...with friends your expectation is that they will understand...and if they cant...you try and make them understand...no egos play any role when 2 friends are at a dual...infact no third person can either mend it...nor can spoil it...it is the connect one has with a friend that matters...
had wanted to go and spend some time of solace...but the desire was not that strong to go alone...have been out alone for last few trips and wanted P to come along for this one...she needed the break much more than i did...and i knew that this is one way i cud ensure that...but someone up there did not think the way I thought :) well..he has the right and the power to derail anything!....and yes he did exactly that...but then shweta wanted to go...and looks like she wud...all alone...she is not pickin my call...nor is she talkin to me...she is not willin to listen...and that is not acceptable...a friend usually does...or not?

for me i value friendship in all forms and shapes...dont like upsettin one to make the other happy..and certainly dont want to unnecessarily create issues when there are none...but i need an understanding soul...the friend who is always around irrespective of you having the time to look around..and shweta certainly is that...it is jst one of those days when she is pissed off...and rightly so! i m sure she will talk...and soon :)

Got Ladoo Gopal at home...dont knw why n when it happened...dont know if there was a need...but yes...looks like he was eyein to be at home with us...and i m sure it will spread all good moments of peace and mischieF! and hopefully keep blessing me :)

unclutter the sky...and minds!

it has not yet rained yet...and may be it is not goin to...would habe liked the rains to cm...to wash away the tiredness...the fatigue...the stagnation that has set in...life was never that laid back..nor was it without direction...or life ! days nowadays just pass...without giving me any news...or reasons..or excuses! may be im in a content state...or may b i m just ignorant....and not asking for life to push me harder...why do we always want to complicate our happy state? i keep telllin everyone not to over complicate and just lead the life you are currently leading...then why I am myself not followin the same route?
have been working...but not working too hard..living...not living too hard...exercising...but not exercisin too hard...huh! is that really how one shud be...!

feeling of having someone around!

nowadays my feelings are all going haywire...and i have no idea why! may be work...may be lack of creativity...may be just a phase...but...need to rewind myself and start doin something which will make me smile again :) and make me think...and make me execute :) and not just wish....
wish karo...thoda aur wish karo...but implement bhi karo :!!!

rains n pains!

there is a lull in life...or is it too full? not sure...it has been a challengin week professionally...and personally...may be the break did last for too long...may be the smiles were comin too frequently...! there is always this break that comes in life when things are sailing smoothly...is too much happiness always restrained? or is it that we always expect the dark clouds to gather smtime in our life...? always???

Rains have not yet arrived and I am feelin the heat...literally and physically...why does things not happen like we always desire them? What will happen when the moment u desire your wishes wd come true? it will be another scary thought! may be us humans can never be happy with a given :)

confused...dyhradated...exhausted!

time up!

It has been a worthy week...tirin...hectic and filled with lots of memories! a nature break did a lot of good...and made me realise what worthless life we all r leading and how nature still can make you wonder :) and how hollow our claims to fame are...nature still rules and how! Still wondering if I could have liked to stay on...and enjoy the wildness...the abundance...the unbridled nature...the non interference of tv n mobile...and no work....I think i wud have enjoyed some more days of solitude...but not for long :) afterall Delhi has been my home for ages...and nothin can beat the hustle bustle of the city...it has engulfed me for ever and wud always do!

Last week also saw my rendezvous with the hills...Kasauli was never on my dream destinations but sayin no was not acceptable! and so I went...with the flow hoping that it would do me some good :)...it did..it brought me memories of school times when we went coz our group was going...and it was assumed that everyone wud be interested :)

Going to any holiday with friends always rekindles beautiful memories...memories which are remembered always...memories which bring back the emotions...situations...the people...the fragrance...the love...the warmth of those days....and therefore holidays are memorable...destinations arent!

this one started on a rather unlikely note with my date getting preponed by a week! nothin spectacular but very strange since it has been timely ever since I can remember :) but then nature is unpredictable :) Matters became unpredicatble more so when we ended up on roads rather than on train! but then with P around...I shud have expected more things to occur! the journey was peaceful....non tiring and extremely happy :) no fights...only talks...no discussions...just reliving memories and thoughts! nice!!!

and yes more things did occur...an untimely bout of cold sweeped me the minute we entered the hills...cant blame the hills since they didnt do anythin...but yes...i liked them :) not sure if i love them though...still thinking...

more laters!

time off!

What happens when suddenly there is a lull in ur life and you know it is temp... :) well that is how I am feelin right now...a week off from tomm...to a destination which no one of us ever thought abt...and time which we all have to spend togther...time off as I say!

it shud be fun...or will it be adventure...only time will tell :)

uncertain times!

there has been an unusual lull in life...everything has been peaceful, inviting and happy...may be one is not used to this lull...and feels that either something is going wrong terribly or something has just gone way too right and it will fall back to bad times! touch wood though...why does one have to look into everyone with a crooked mind and a feeling that something is amiss :) may be it is just summer break and god has decided to give us all a break too...amen to the thought!!!
had a lazy week and a lazier weekend...it is days like these which make me think i shud have enrolled myself into something worthwhile and did things which i always wanted to...like joining spanish course...what is stoppin me from doin this.? no one...but still i refuse to push myself and join somethin...i shud...i shud force myself to reach out for myself...and for my dreams :)

last week i went to flea market and met one of my dreams...a cute little dog which made my heart flutter and surely made me cringe in desire! i so want him in my life but realise that i will not have the time to keep this sweetheart...and i dont want that to happen to this lovely soul :) so...till the time he doesn drop in my life ( someday), i am content having his thoughts and wishin him well...not surprisingly M shared my thoughts on this one too :) and not surprisingly P didnt :P

time to wind up and say goodbye! to random thoughts...yet again :) :)

confused and sorry!

I dont know why i did what i did...trying to help one loved one led to a conflict of interest with another one...and also made me feel very guilty...it is not difficult to sway in favor of your special ones but it shud not come at a cost of ethics...and that is where i think i did wrong...i shud not have tried helping M at the cost of spoiling my consious...and i feel guilty...she did not force me into it...nor was their any compulsion...but i still took a decision to do it...i guess while i was doing it i did not realise that it would not end up right...may b that is why it is said the means are as imp as the end! anyway...it was wrong and sooner or later i shud owe up...for myself rather than smthg else...

Spoke to V after ages i think...infact i usually talk to her every alternate day...but may i m not spedning the amount of time and energy that i was...will not blame anyone for this...again a decision- if it was...taken by me and i m only responsible...but i think with V...pehel is the bond...and i refuse to believe that it can be hampered....i pray it wonT! :)

Today is Abhi's bday...and he turns 4+ i think...spoke such cute english that i was bowled over...truly remarkable to see children taking control of an alien lang so easily...i remember him on his first bday...tightly tucked in vidya's lap...she running from one end to other meeting with guests...taking gifts...serving dinner...she is fab :) and will always be...regret the time i fought with her...not realising she wud be gone...and it will be such a long time when i will see her...i miss her.........
so yes today is my day to say sorry...internally..and feel what i did was right or wrng...and yes i believe....i was wrong...to make a loved one smile at any cost...shud not be my aim...from next time...!
!!!

ashamed and puzzled...

Today when I was walking towards my bus...I realised that my usual seat was taken...I am nt a great fan of surprises...I do not know the right expression...and usually end up confusing the person who decided to do the honors...love throwin surprises to others...but that is another day another thought..anyway coming back to my seat...and the surprise...or rather a break...
Seeing an old couple on my seat.. brought my uneasiness down...i decided to not go back but sit right in front of them...the aunty...in a cotton white starched with a red border...2 bangles...1 ring on each hand...a very serene face...some white hair...mostly black...a thin gold chain...red bindi...uncle on the other hand...blue pants...check shirt...again a very peaceful deameanor...on a frightfully hot morning...
do not know why this memory got stored in my head...this old couple like a lot of old couples take out bus...to get down at RML hospital...for monthly check ups...for new tests...etc...each time a couple sittin all alone..with a cloth bag in hand...some money...some fruits may be...a bottle of water...no mobile phones...no sons and daughters...no family...nothin at all...just the 2 of them...hand in hand...holding each other...sleeping on each other's shoulders...helping each other to get down...and disappear...in the crowds...nameless faces...but still such a strong recall...~
Today is the Queen's birthday...in a different country...a different culture...the similiarity...only the age...an old lady..celebrates her birthday...with the country...her family rejoicing with her...and we...who have nothing to do with her...smile...and feel delighted! ofcourse for some of us a holiday cud be the reason..!
How many of us remember the last time we sat down and chatted with our moms...dads..grandpa...grandmom? Why is that no longer on our list of 'to-do"? How come the generation gap suddenly become the reason for everything...or is less time your reason? How as children do we allow our parents to age out so much before they want to? Looking at these old couples in buses/autos...i am surprised..or shud i say i shudder...to think of times when i have to do this...to my parents...or my mother in law for that matter...wud it be that tough to take out time for my people...to travel with them when they need to see a doc...or when they want to visit a dying relative...or may be when they just want to sit out in the lawns and see the sunset...wud it be that diffcult?
How do we just drift away? And not realise that old age needs the same love and care that was bestowed when a kid is born..how do we just part ways n blame others...for our loved ones? How do we not include them in our lives when we ourselves lived coz of them...
The next time I see an old couple...I will shed these tears again... n pray that god gives me the strength..!

a week!

this week was good! it started on a rather dismal note though...with a failed cake :( stil do not know what went wrong...but yes a good effort gone down the drain..well not drain...but down the stomache...!

had planned for a movie courtesy the '3 mad' group...since it was a planned break..it really had to planned on a day when the world is not looking...to us or for us! we decided to give monday a break since there was too much work...but thankfully the plan did not go off...it just got postponed to wednesday...and indeed we did have a sneaky day ::) a fun movie...and a desire to come back again! but heyllo...did i forgot to mention about the tuesday madness...and our weekly shoppin :) :) this time it was a really cute gada of hanumanji that we got as our weekly bonanza...and wearing it felt special...and divine...closer to god...and closer to each other...may be it is god's indications...of just blessing us...together :) and thank god for that!
M wanted a new message for Friday :) and P and me decided to get her not 1 but three... they suit her so much that we may end up buyin a lot more :) lets see what is the msg that comes to us for next week!

for now...election results and the debacle :(

my first idlis and hopefully a cake!

Sunday mornings are to laze around...but then who decides that :) not me! coz mom asked to cook idlies...right at 820 am...when i had slept so late in the night :( thankfully it was mother's day so cud not refuse her!

idlies look fine :) infact they tasted great...now hoping that the cake does justice as well :) if not...i will be :(
happy mom's day !!!

the mixed bag of saturday!

today was an early start...and it was worth the effort...sweating out in the gym is not my ideal weekend morning but alas...not much can be done once your parents want something...and may be somewhere i think i m ok doin this for them...have always done things for pleasure..for others pleasure...and looks like most of the life wud be like that! :) anyway to cut a small story even shorter...it was a sweaty morning...but a happy one !
massi had come home for lunch...with ginni n bunny...and looking at them...i felt sad...very sad...n may be afraid...or helpless...and angry...for being in a society which does not let the woman have a say ...or decide...or live...end of the day u need to suffer for one role or the other...only because she decides to keep quiet...or seek help...coz the society does not have ans...but have the ability to ask questions...n in a way...we all are a part of this society...so really cannot blame it!

i m afraid to be a part of this society...and very scared that i may intentionally or unintentionally be asking questions to someone...who has no answers...!

...

there is a time when you just need to hug a person...and hope that the storms pass away... but alas these times r few and uncertain..and come unannounced...leavin some hearts bitter...some souls perturbed....and some eyes moist... just one of those days when i am upset that god is troubling...and unnecessarily...when he can just make it all hunky dory! god...you listening?

pappu voted today!

today is the day of celebration! the day which is special...not coz it is Sally's birthday...but coz it is the celebration of my being a citizen of this country! the day when i can decide what i want and what i desire from the government...the day i decide to vote :) the day i decide for my future...or at least take one step in this direction!

it is peaceful and dull in the office today...and very calm...strangely everyone is workin...but given an opportunity...they would love the break :) : ) the roads are all empty today...the traffic non existent...the moods sombre...may be it is just a relaxed day...may be it should be an off today...but glad it is not..since otherwise no one would have come out to vote...so it is good in a way that we all were pushed to come out...and exercise our rights!
a good day...a worthy day!

Tuesday pinks :)

Tuesdays are always fun! They remind me of school times when we used to have one day allocated for madness...and when...rules were meant to be broken...that is how our tuesdays now are...the trio! madness all around...each trip brings with it..some more memories...loads of blessings hopefully and colors...colors of life, bangles...chunnis...ghungru today! they make the trip worthy...in any case, we three do not need any reasons to feel happy...or together...or mad! it is just the moments that one wants...and sometimes one gets :) of being blissfully happy...elated...or just warmed...in the presence of god and friends...both absolutely essential for the sanity of oneself!
The c0lor of the day was pink...it was all over...and on M's desk too....the flowers looked serene and beautiful..and apt...coz they were to reflective!

Amen!!!

touch me not!

There are times when I have thought about something and felt strongly about it...but ended up not speaking about it...and certainly not pennin it...but in times like now...when each thought is special and worth remembering...it was important for my well being...to pen down my thoughts...for myself...may be it will help me evolve in smway!
for days now I have been thinking of writing on what is the meanin of the sense of "touch"...and how strongly it conveys feelings inner to your soul...how the sense of touch makes you blossom into a new person and how the sense of touch...can turn your worst dreams into reality...

to start with...a touch of a friend...be it a man or a woman is so different from the touch of any other human being...it speaks volumes without evoking any gender based feelings...it translates feelins so beautifully that smtimes words look imposing and very worthless b/w friends...

...a gentle pat on the shoulder ..an unexpected hug...small gestures but definitely effective...but smtimes...sm of these touches can b intimidating if they ur mind n soul r not welcoming them...not everyone who u befriend have access to ur soul...and therefore his/her touch can only be at a physical level...again smthg worth notin is that it might be in a physical nature yet can be purely spiritual :)

in today's times...we define relationships in a very vague manner...a man n a woman has to be in a relationship to gain accepability...two men or women cannot be in friends unless they individually have proven their sexuality to the world at large...the world who still have smthg to say in any case! in times like these...when two woman hug each other in a public place...and I am talking about a hug...which lasts for more than a min...smtimes evolving into a smiles n laughters and wispering random thoughts into each other's ears...what does the society define this as? or when i decide to share the same space/room/bed/time with a friend who fortunately is a female? and not male :) frankly does it matter...to me...nope! to others...always!!!

or when a man who u trust decides to hug u...even if he is your friend's best man or his brother...or gently twist ur knees to give you the right posture during your yoga session...again a sense of touch...different from a friend's touch...a man's touch...yet doesnt evoke any feeling beyond the touch...complex...yet so simple...!

the touch is a beautiful feeling..it translates fears...passion...love...trust...rebuff...resignation...desperation...hatred...everything to anything...to nothin! it is the connection that matters..the inner connect...it is what it deciphers the feelings..and says much more than one wants too!

monday madness!

Yes i know it is not Monday today...but it will soon be...and therefore the dedication...! well...there is a presentation happening on monday and it is not funny...it is on smthg tht i know abt but not really know...and i need to search n research and comprehend and prepare...it is a mad feeling...the feelin which comes when u r preparin for a paper which u r sure u will fail...but then life is always giving u screwed up ideas of fun n risks n madness! and this surely is one...and in all this madness, the trivial 3 decided to talk...on trivial things like men...and 2 of us confirmed that they r worthless :( and i m sure some of them are...bt not all...but for now...the search is on...not abt men....but abt corporate partners!!!

so here i think and search and google!

will today be lucky!

I lost both my best yday...and i m not very happy abt it...no luck in the beginnin itself...tch tch tch! but...i know today shud be way better...and i will win...both i believe ! and atleast one surely :) :)
god shud help me with this one!

sneezin me!

i m sure it can be tough...to bein remembered so much...n that too on a day when there was nothin worthwhile to be remembered... the sneezin is not stoppin still...and i m sure there is someone...or may be it is a simple cold!

the day started late...well not sure when it started or yday ended...went to Ashima's weddin last night and seeing here realised...that i dont really want to get into this mindless ceremonial process...i agree that it is not my individual decision...but to get hoards of guests who only crib abt the food they ate/or could not ate is worthless...the plastic smiles...the weight of the dress...not to mention on the mind...

talked to M on way back...realised that post all the weddings, i have had talked to her...on somethin or the other...from heartbreaks to smiles...to color of the weddin lehenga to the concept of marriage...and each time, we have managed to smile :)

yday was not very great...but not bad as well...just very tirin...and full of memories...met Anna after ages...and yes, it reminded me of good old college days...when everything was black n white! :) n seein Anna n Nikhil, i believe that love truly conquers...and smtimes, god does change everything around u! touch wood :)

Sumit made me sit in his car at the front seat :) quite an offer since long time...but he is the same old sumit...and i like him that way...he has not changed much...and i liked him always...he is pretty uncomfortable...but in the same time comfortable too :) and i loved it :) he is way too sweet...and way too special !

waht more shud i say...had a strange dream...of travellling to a known land...in an unknown way though...with..P ofcourse....i think it was her city...or was it my city...were we travellin...were we fighting...were we exploring...i think i wil say yes to last one... that is the problem with dreams...u just dont knw what it is sayin...or may be it just says what u always want to say :) anyway...she was with me and i think it was god's way of tellin me smthg..which may b i already know!

sleep time!

holiday!

the mehendi did not come out well...and i just knew it...not sure why...but knew it :( so yes...it is still there on my hand...but not visible...may be like the day today...invisible in a way...sitting at home, lazing around...sleeping and eatin...the time just flowed...the hours clicked away...and the night came in early...

the day was empty..may be it shud be like this sm days...the mind inactive...the heart beatin...but not for a reason ! but tomm shud be fun...friends and old memories..tomm is another day..a smiling day...a full day i hope!

AMen ~

tiring day!

I am tired...very tired...mentally, physically...or emotionally...not sure! it has not been a tiring day...nor has it been a stressful day...or even a full day...it was one of those normal days...but may be the hangover of y'day's yoga made me tired out...or may be the hangover of past few days...not sure...may be i need to just relax...n sleep!!!
so...sleeping now...with my right hand full of mehendi....n if it doesnt come out all right...i will be very sad :(

of pains n no gains!

Today started very early...infact not sure when yday ended and today started...and in 5 minutes from now...today will end and tommorow will be today! so...i need to document whatever little is left of today!!!

Today is a no show day...nothin imp happened...no major headlines...except that i managed to reach parlor and get the painful threadin done...eeks...each time the thread tweaks before reaching the skin, the heart goes for a toss! i cant imagine how on earth fellow women let that thread go all over them...eeks rghhh... ooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!

that is it for now...sleepin time!

the storm has set in...

There has been a whole lot of things in last few days which were compellin...and pushing me to write...but alaS! the time did not permit me to record them as they happened...on hindsight...may be I am glad...since now those have become memories...and not all needs to be documented smtimes...
Days have been passing and its been normal...or is it abnormal! not sure again...there has been a sudden splurge of emotions...a sudden pouring of words...and then again a silence...may be the hearts are workin more than the minds...may be only there is a contrast as well...coz not everytime the heart is speaking the right thing...may be the mind still is playing games...

last few days have been strangely peaceful..yet full of conflicts...full of anger...full of thoughts...full of justifications...and explainations...yet...these days have been strangely unalarming...they still make me smile and wonder simulataneously...it reminds me that I am not always rights...nor is the other person wrong...it is just perspectives clashing...or may be it is just two people thinking!

Sunday was fun...the hangover of saturday was still on...the memories of a day well spent...a day with friends...a day with gifts! dad was not happy with my sudden decision of not asking...n just informing...there was this tension in the home and on everyone's faces...but then it is nothing usual...and I was just getting used to it when dad informed that we have to go out for a dinner...almost immediately we agreed...! no questions...no deliberations...may be each one of us were too tired to even debate...or just plain bored! Dinner was fun at Moti Mahal...and surprisingly I drank...not soft drinks or fresh lime but "bloody mary"...tasted weird...but not alien :) not sure why I did it...or may be i know! it was a good evening...loads of food...loads of smiles...loads of plans! for the next one :)

The week is almost reached to its culmination again...another week...another thought...another plan...may be!

Calmin smiling whitey saturday!

Well....it was an expectedly good day today...and thank god for that! :) it was an unplanned day...and may be this is god's way of saying that don't do things that i can do better...just enjoy ur stint on earth and don't bother with too much planning...just be good to urself and others and u wud be happy!

With a late start, M was anyway delighted...and I was bugged...since I hate starting on a late note...but a last minute tiff and shirt change got me late...and ooh lalala...did not imagine that P wud end up wearing white too! well...unexpectedly...or may be expectedly...we were in agreement...or in the same frame of mind...may be the same color combination was a signal...may be! :P

I think we realised that today is a good day...and we were strivin to keep it that way...not exactly sure on how we were to do it...but I m glad we managed it...day ended with smiles, moments of happiness n friendship...some memories of past...some of present...and very high hopes of future! For me...it was imp to bring smiles to someone's face...and even if the smiles came back for a day...it was worth it! She smiled...and for a moment it looked like things wud be fine again...Life has not been hunky dory lately...and one can only hope it does become alright...for all of us!

Not to forget that we managed to watch an unforgettable film about future...what an irony though...seeing that i realised...one can't control one's present and to think one is worried about his/her future! life is such... !!! I just wished to hold her and shake her out of the past that she is in...~

V came in too...with my dear Pehel :) she constantly reminds me that plannin always does not work out...n smtimes it is smone up there who is decidin for all of us...she smiles...she coohed...she ran...she beamed! and the worries just vanished...the time stood still...and smiles just found a way back...her innocence reminded us that may be life is not that bad...well..it isnt!
Just a last mention that...I got three gifts...and each of them made me feel absolutely great...n touched! may be it was again god's way of telling me...hey you...you need some pampering urself!

Not to mention that M also wore white! uncanny...or striking!

so what's special about today!

so I am sitting at home today...doin nothing! It was an early morning...and now I am all sleepy...but cannot sleep since everyone else is sleepin or not at home...so decided to check on random mails and sites...and then write!

What am I writing today...well...i promised P that I will write about her...since she always keeps telling me that I am hopeless with promises...and seldom keep them...i decided to uphold this one!!! And frankly it is not that tough to write about her...since we anyway end up havng a disagreement on virtually anything we do/say/think/dream!

So...yes she wants to know what I know about her...or have managed to decipher about her...now that i think about it, i realise that i hardly know her :) or do i? she has been someone who has brought a lot of smiles in my life...some tears...beautiful moments...moments of despair...and total hopelessness...we are contrasts...and may be that is why we somehow attract! coming from a small town(!) she refuses to imbibe the smells of the hustle and bustle of the crowd...and I refuse to squeeze myself in her perfect-kodak-small-city-life! May be it is her closed-to-heart-beautiful memories that are etched so deeply...and do not allow for any new memories to stake claim...or may be she is a denial mode...since this is her only connection to the past...her new changed self needs that one reference point to go back to...to remind her of what she was...once! but then again...these are my assumptions P! Feel free to disagree like always!

The one discussion we will always end up having is her priorities and how one should look at it...frankly it is your priorities and no one but you have a right to comment on it...but...smwhere i feel the need to question/analyze or reason out everything is not needed..is it? life anyway is not giving us all ans and to top it with more questions sounds unreasonable and uncalled for...she like me has made her life complex...and wants me to change :) not realising that she needs some overhaulin too!

May be times will change her again...and may be it will change my perception as well...for now i m sure that she is still not a revelation to me...but then i hardly care...since she is a dear friend...and with friends...u dont have to know it all! but yes...P ...let me tell you...when you have ur kid/s...I am going to ensure that they do not reason out life! they smile more often and work harder :P

that's it for now...rushing out...to sleep what else :)

the day after!

It has been a calm day so far...and may be it is going to remain like this for some time...may be the last few days have drained us completely...if there is smthg that is still keeping us going...it is the friendship...the camaraderie...the madness...the love...the responsibility...a lot of emotions...a lot of relationships...a lot to give...a lot to take...

Tuesday was one such day...with 31 March looming on us...it was not expected that we leave the office for a min...infact leaving the desk for a min looked tough...but...not everything is planned...and certainly not everything works acc to plans...with moods swinging from sadness to apprehensions...to undecisiveness to anxiousness...to stress to tensions...each one of us was going thru something or the other...and a lunch out was not looking inviting...infact i had said no to the invite as well...but then my denials are usually not taken by anyone!!! So here we were...amidst the madness...spending a leaisurely 2 hours on a fasting/feasting lunch!!!
If I thought that was too much to handle...a visit to Hanuman Mandir was added to the list...but the crowning moments were....when M decided to buy us each a chunni...those bright red ones...the ones which are usually offered to gods and goddesses! OUr collective requests failed...and truly we did not object from the heart...we decided to flow in the madness and agreed....even got photographed...stares, comments and smiles! it was one of those kodak moments when everything else did not matter...it was her smile that was imp...and yes she was smilin!
Realised each of us are mad in a way...may be I am too by the book in the level of madness as well...but then there r moments when you just want to free urself from the clutches of the world...and do what your heart desires...

May be some days need a push...from inside...and a degree of madness! but only some days...

So today was maniac monday! I never ever understood when people used to crib about monday morning blues...well...truely i know how it feels....even when i was dressed in the calmness of white....missing the regular bus by 10 min...I land up 2 hours late for office...the red lights decided to just not work...parul kept me calm but I was just furiouS! If only I had got up early...if only i dressed up on time...if only!

When the morning starts like this...the day is bound to be full...full of work...full of emotions...some tears and some smiles...but the tears overtook the smiles...and the day just ended...on a wishful note....that tommorow the smiles will return!

A relaxed sunday!

Looking at my first post, I realise that I started on a rather bad note...so to make amends...I will only talk about happiness this time around! It has been a very very nice day...after ages though! A sunday which started at 1030.. after a peaceful dreamless sleep...may be the last few days have taken a toll on my dream-ability as well...anway...the night was calm and sleepy...and so was the morning! Lazing around, the only thing on my mind was an empty mind...I just had nothin to think...and nothin to plan! Reading newspapers, watching tv and messaging to random people...the day still looked long and inviting...and confusing! What does one do when the mind refuses to think and the heart decides to rest as well...there was no push from inside...and strangely i was loving it...
the \day passed with no thoughts...no motivation and no worries.. the evening rain was a welcome addition...may be it just drained all my energies completely...and soaked me in drops of happiness...or in drops of peace and calmness! the day still looks lazy n relaxin...and it still is not over...may be god is telling me to just relax...and enjoy....no strings attached!