the year ends!

it has been a year of mixed feelings...a year which has brought tears, some smiles and lots of memories...like every year does...but it is ending with a feeling of loss...and may be some more tears will be shed...

have been telling the world to not expect...coz it hurts when you expect...or get attached...and yes, i can only fool others but not myself...lesser expectations always helped...but glad that i can move on faster now...less of baggage it seems now...

do not like this month...last time around it made me cry...it made me wish for the next year...and the same time has come again...and yes, it has made me cry already...but thankfully some of the tears are wishful...wishing someone more happiness, more luck and more peace...may be tears of one lead to smiles of other...strange...but true!

life is a gamble each day...some of us dont take the bet...some of us do...in any case, it will involve you...how much is at stake...no one really knows!

christmas is around the corner...it was at one point my favorite festival...it made me smile because the carols, the cake...the festivities made me warm...will it still? dont know...

sunshine!

the winter chill is not a happy thought...it gives me a feeling of lonliness...it makes me realise i am wasting my time working when i can sleep some time :) horrible!!! but i m happy in a way...coz i can wear any number of clothes and feel good:)
sunshine in life is needed...and may be it will help me in more than one way...

sipping green tea...and feeling good too...!

one should not try and control...

realised that you can't really try and control others...nor do you have a say in anyone's life...expectations should be kept minimum and only then can you feel at peace...coz then you are only answerable to yourself and not to anyone else around you...
the week is ending...the year is endin...and i hope the next year brings more happiness...less nonsense...lots of new opportunities and a way forward...from the mundaneness of people around...from the let downs...and from the expectations...

awakening!

life makes you humbler...it makes you realise that you anyway do not have a stake in life...you are just living it till someone decides to snap it...and you leave...last few days have been a roller coaster...not much thinking...not much doing...lots or tears...less of smiles...may be there was a lull...before the actual storm comes...
i have been thinking on why we need to do something for someone...and not thinking on why it really matters to speak up...when no one around is not bothered...or why show discontent when all is hunky dory...or when have tears when the world rejoices...may be it is wrong...may be each one has to fight their own battles and we should not bother coz in today's times concern is misjudged...may be i should just do what i am expected to do...my only expectations should be from me and from no one else...
so will i do what i do...still? yes i think so...i think from the heart and not from the mind and i dont want to change it yet...so yes if i can and have the power to share/change/influence or comment, i will...will it yield results...i m not concerned...coz that is an expectation again...which i m not interested to set...coz they seldom succeed...
have had thoughts on making a change for myself...to say that i m not happy and i need a change...may be i will et pushed around more and it will help me take that decision...

let's see....

life is a certainly gamble!

have tried to reason out with god on if things are going well...with me...and with people i love! not got answers...which means either he is not interested or he is agreeing to do what is being done...very unsatisfied with life now...the phase is not ending...nor does it look promising in future...the questions are unending and the answers seem nowhere close...people around are happy...sad...dont know why...dont bother why...all have their own demons to fight...their own battles to win...their own egos to be happy...you cant reason with people who are close to you...coz reasoning does not help...nor does it give you answers...it is good to only talk with people who can be detached...else you just end in viscious circle...no answers...

there is so much life has to offer...to a lot of people...may be some are born lucky...and some strife towards finding some peace...and god needs to be fair then...if we are not asking for the world...the least he can offer is the ground...for us to walk the path...which he wants...and not push us around as and when he wants!

blank!

thought of writing...but not sure on what i want to write...life is not going the way it should...but then it is not going the way it should not...there is nothing new...but there is nothing that is ongoing...life is beginnin to become dull...and on the other hand, i have not challenged myself too...there is too much and too less :(
want to move out now...may be from the city...or from the job...or from the people...want to find new opportunities for development...personally...and yes, i need to get into language or a new course...i hope i find myself again before losing this battle...

will go back to active writing too...need to start writing...for myself! and for others :)

a little dance always helps!

y'day sitting in office heard music...and the party was on...never have been into music and dance so really was not interested in being a part of it now...but realised that it did make me smile :) may it was the juices..or was it the work...or was it just plain break from the mundane...somedays you just need somethin...and y'day i got that :) jigged a little due to Gayathri's push...and yes...liked it :) the nonsense times...you miss them!

did have a chat with a good person...and realised he is in the same boat as mine...and it didnt fair well...may be first time....hoping next time would be better...will chat up more :) to know more :)

saw terence dancing on tv...he is so good at what he does...it touches me beautifully...beautiful vibes i think...no idea...god bless people who can make you smile:) and touch you...even so remotely!

random tandem!

the weather is all clear...clean open skies is what i can see from my desk...but does that mean a clean state of mind too? Yes i think! doing what i think i shud be doing...and liking it...always wanted to clear up things before and when i leave...and may be this is the way of clearing up...minds, mails and issues!
got agreement to 3 issues...around 10 more to go...but atleast the ball is rolling...may be it will not be that bad!
looking at the sky and feeling good...and hoping it will rain...good to feel soaked in the rain...it makes me smile...infact was soaked in the morning too...but with tears...interesting read...made me cry...and think...would i do the same...may be i would...may b i wont...time to reflect!

what a day!

things don't go as planned...nor does emotions...nor does emotional people! thought i will go and have a peaceful lunch but could not...!

pleasure at last!

wanted to work...in real sense...past few days have been a roller coaster ride...with thoughts, ideas and meetings...liking it...feels good to be in a position where i can provide inputs, seek inputs and deliver on my expectations...feels good to be recognised for the efforts...and for the hard work that i put in what i can do...though looks like still under performance...miles to go before i can smile in peace :)
this week should be interesting...and shud help in making work more interesting...enriching and also pushing the threshold...not only to think and crib..and blame...but also to do it and prove that words are not only words :)
need a push...getting one!

dual syndrome!

happy and sad together! why does happiness sometimes surround confusion...uneasiness...fear...and regret! why do i get options when i dont want them! and do i think through the heart and not the mind... may be that is how i live life...to the full?!

let's see what life brings next!

sweets!

was craving for sweets for a long time...may be the craving was to do something sinful..something that is not allowed! something that will make me happy...and yes i m happy now!

journey!

life is a journey...and each day is one milestone...woke up again mid night and was wide awake for sm time before sleep came back...been doing this for some time now...may be a break is what i need and will get...from what i don't know though!

will be travelling today...feels good...have been static for some time and may be a push might help...the stress...the sweat...the bumps...the strange rooms...i think i will like it...but again one nowadays should not say much...who knows...!

M has been again not in the right mood...exhaustion i hope is the only reason...she approved all that i did...and i have my doubts on these...seldom does she not comment and it is worryin..but again a passing phase...she will be ok soon...

want to work hard today...like doing that...want to tie up the loose ends and move on...lets see what the day entails!

empty day!

woke up with a lump in my throat...literally though! realized that my random eating and drinking habit is taking a toll on me...after a very long time though...the pain was bad...wanted to have some medicine but could not find any...lights went out early morning...and then it was a day worth nothing! had decided to go to office but no avail...things just don't matter nowadays and it was not a good feeling..felt bad on not doing what was in my hand...disappointed!

it rained in the evening..felt good...not great...wanted it to go on...but it didn't...like it was telling me that this is what you can get...no more! may be it will rain during the night too...again hide and seek!

happiness and sadness....two sides of life...do both come together too? what is the decision you take if you have both staring at you? the pain is not a great friend to have...but sometimes pain can lead to a wish for smiles again...and that is what i desire now...some hope...some sunshine...some smiles!

friends!

one needs to thank god for small mercies in life...friends! they make you...they seldom break you...they keep you happy..they make you cry...they love you...they correct you...they listen...they care...and they call when you need them the most...friends can be what family is not at times...friends make us smile...hold you...crib with you...and love you again...family is expected to do all this...but the friends do it and you know they will do it for you...how and when...one does not know....but we always hope that we have friends around...and i m thankful to god each day..touchwood for friends...and the love they bring...!

do they stay on? yes...some of them do!

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a teary morning...thoughts which compel you to ask why god is unfair at times? and why does he listen only to some? slept with a feeling of loss...and woke up in a similiar manner...may be there is some way god is telling me..to not bother...and just move on...but...can one do that...is feelings so temperory? i don't think so...nor do i believe that you can move on that easily...have tried...failed...won...don't know again...
i feel one should always aim to b positive...and work in a way that will bring more positivity in life...that is what evryone around tells me...but to remain happy and smilin and positive is getting increasingly taxing...and it pains to see someone in pain...wonder why this simple logic is difficult to comprehend? why does people not relate to feelings like some do? why does holding hand and giving a hug to someone in distress is not understood...and why does feelings not let go?

questions...but no ans!

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woke up with a bad news...and haven't been able to think on how it happened and why...may be sometimes there is no logic...and death does not have logic...it is just a way that god shows his presence...tells us that you can keep planning...you can smile and cry...and you can hope and pray...but i decide...and i decided that time for someone was up...so what if there is a 10 day old baby waiting to see her dad...or the 10 year old who is trying to make his mom proud...or if the home is being decorated to celebrate a arrival of an angel...life is so uncertain...that you just don't want to plan...coz the plans may or may not execute...and for everything the final decision is in someone else's hand...

i only can pray...hope or belief sound meaningless...and to say...all would be ok...ofcourse one needs to believe everything would be ok...but when...how and in what form...what can be ok when someone goes away...? want to be with P...to share her sorrow and give her solace...but cannot...no one is holding me to not go...but i dont want to go...coz i cannot see the tears...yet again...and what should i say now...dont worry...it happens...life moves on...and you would be ok soon...and her eyes will say the same old thng...why me...why my loved ones...and why does god try to show his presence to only some...no answers...and a lot of questions...dont want to ans...dont have ans...need to hold her tight and let her shed her sorrow...and i hope...and i believe she would think of me being around...along with her...holding her to b ok..or just be...physical presence is required and i cant wait to be with her...not everyone understands on how one reacts...and i know her now...and know her reactions...her walls are building again...and it would be unfair to knock it down and leave her...again...and i am too coward to do that...so...i will just pray...and keep her in my prayers...hoping she would be as strong as i know she is...

amen!

nothing is same anymore...

it is not the best of feeling...loss always hurts...but sometimes you are not sure on what exactly have you lost or gained...but somewhere you know that nothin will be same anymore...have felt a lost of connection...with my loved ones...with people who i thought loved me...the way i am...and loved me for what i am for them...but may be love is not that easy...and it brings more pains as well...and lots n lots of tears...seldom have i shed these many tears in the last few days...and am i glad...! Yes i am...coz they are my only companion for past few days...and may be they will also leave me soon...and then i would not know what else i can bank on!

life brings happiness and joy...and it brings some smiles...and unexpected love...unexpected moments...moments which define you...and your existence...moments which you never desired...moments which didn't last long...and i hope this wnt last long!

loss....

there is a feeling of loss...not sure on the quality and quantity though...loss of friendship...loss of trust...loss of sense...loss of emotions...or may be loss of inner self...cannot explain and may be that is another loss...loss of words!

i hope the loss is recovered in some form or other...may be the trip will give me a new reason to smile...and may be...infact it would make someone believe in the true power of being the chosen one...and this i hope is not lost!

amen!

varied thoughts...

need to get back to active writing...since that was my outlet...my thoughts...my friends...their opinions on my opinions...made me think...made me creative...made me more public...each day each new thought made or broke my day...nowadays...how people will think and react/act decide my day...not acceptable :( but times are changing...and i am changing too...good or bad...don't know!

have decided to be a little indifferent...to a lot...may be this is my way of saying that what i had...i have lost...and may be it is better for now...till it changes again...keeps me safe from getting hurt...and i prefer it that way :)

P just online...let me bother her now...more thoughts :)

how !

it is not what you desire...it is not what one thinks...it is all about how life decides to change plans and your desires...and one doesnt know! there is a good and a bad each day...and each moment...and may b in each of us too...what one sees...is what one gets...sometimes!

proud :)

travelled by the new ac bus today till nehru place...the buses are no longer new but it felt nice to be in one...looking around realised that the bus is not empty nor increasingly full...just right for a leisurely travel...lazy...didnt have a book and regreted the waste of time... :( but letting the city go by also felt nice...

felt proud :)

memories!

want to sleep...and just feel lazy...the past few days have been in n out...lots of travel..less of talks...and more of work...liked it...the company was friends and colleagues...strangers...well they smtimes just define memories...the cab driver who took us around had such positive vibes...had fun with him being around...the subtle wit...the shy demeanour...the eagerness to help...or enquire...felt like going back to the villages...away from the madness that surrounds us :)

dil toh bachcha hain jee!

didnt want to wake up today...the sleep just engulfed me...and i was happy snuggling back into the quilt...the last few days of winter makes one so lazy...the bed looks inviting n even if i have to sleep alone :)
going back to sleepin again! the warmth...the chill...n the slumber :) amen~

time is runnin!

there is so much on mind that words will not do justice to it! the past few days have just vanished and the coming days look no better...don't mind the madness or the efforts...but somewhere the mind is losing it...and the restlessness is settling in...will it help or hinder...only time will tell...
had a good sleep y'day...may be coz of being tired mentally...and physically...didnt realise when i slept...had wanted to talk to P before dozing off...bt the sleep caught me unawares...feeling not good :(
it will be tough days ahead...and i hope to smile thru for some of them...! amen~

the fog!

It is such a dense fog today...did not feel like comin to office...just wanted to sit back with a cup of coffee and a nice book...a romantic feel good novel with lots of mush~ a quilt and solitude...do not want the world next to me...or anyone special too...just me and my book...will not mind a cute big/small dog around though...close to me...to cuddle :)

it is not a day to be in office...or to be anywhere public :( but...not everything you desire happen...

first week ended already!

it is still so cold that i wish i cud just sleep in my quilt for months! the chilling wind along with the fog can make a lot of us romantic...but a majority of us wud still be the boring people we are and be inside...doing nothin but eatin and thinkin...of sleeping and then waking up again...to sleep again!!! the week ended...and so has the first weekend ended...and the chill still continues...!

have been getting up at strange times...not sure if it is change of bed, position or just changin times :) dont like getting disturbed sleep but there is hardly anything i can do to not stop me from wakin up...got up at 530 am today...dreamt of something...or someone...cant remember...but when i woke up i had no memories...and no sleep! waking up like this is not exactly my idea of weekend n i hope the days ahead are much better...

the chill is also pushin all of us inside quilts a lot more than we shud...lazy bums we all r becoming...and it is the season i guess to just laze around...till we are again pushed into working hard :) so till the time it is not getting tough...i refuse to get tougher :) and just relax...in the warmth of the bed...alas alone ;-)!!
thinking of the bed again...and time to check if someone has reached back...to warmth and laziness :)

second day...first thoughts!

i m not happy...and this is not the way I should/would have started the new year...the chill outside is also troublin me...and there is no way i would let it hurt...that much...forgiveness as a tool is seldom executed...and it is often taken as the given thing...but i m not sure if some people do understand the meaning of forgiveness or of lettin it go...also...does it help to seek forgiveness when u have done nothin wrong...may be yes...or may be not...actually just smtimes u dont have a role to play...the ball is not in ur court...and u can just think and wonder...on what happened and why! i am in one of those flux moments where i want to give someone a cold shoulder and tell her that it doesnt help...but i cant...nor i will...and i m not sure if this chill will continue to dampen my spirits in the weeks ahead...coz i really dont want that to happen...and if it does...well...i know my options...

the year ahead...that is wat i need to concentrate on...i wil need to outgrow my feelings and head...to ensure my happiness...and respect....